Self-consistent Programmer

1.1 First Principles Thinking at Work - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life#

What is First Principles Thinking#

The term "first principles" was first proposed by Aristotle. However, if it weren't for Musk mentioning it all the time, this term might still be gathering dust in the corner of philosophy books.

In simple terms, first principles thinking means: not following the crowd, not blindly trusting second-hand conclusions, but rather rethinking problems from the most basic facts.

A Case in Point 🌰#

You might be tired of hearing the story of Musk wanting to build rockets, but it's truly a great example:

When everyone was saying, "Rockets are too expensive, we can't afford them," what was Musk thinking? - "Wait, what exactly is a rocket?" - "How much aluminum and fuel does it take to build a rocket?" - "How much do these raw materials cost in total?" - "Why is the assembly so expensive?"

It's like when we write code; instead of copying answers from Stack Overflow, we should think about what problem this piece of code is actually solving and what it would look like if we wrote it from scratch.

Why Use First Principles Thinking at Work#

In the workplace, we are often surrounded by various "you should..." statements:

"You should go to a big company" (Is BAT the ultimate dream for programmers?)
"You should switch to management" (Shouldn't tech experts lead teams?)
"You should hustle" (If you don't hustle, you'll be optimized out?)
"You should reach P8 before 35" (Why not 38?)
"You should work as hard as the neighbor Wang" (Wang wants to be as relaxed as you...)

Where do these "shoulds" come from?

Parents' expectations: "Look at the neighbor's Xiaoming..."
Peer pressure: "They are all at big companies..."
Social opinion: "35-year-old crisis..."

2. Industry Inertia#

"Frontend must know React"
"Backend must know distributed systems"
"Full-stack engineers have the future"

3. Personal Cognitive Limitations#

"Everyone does it this way, so I will too"
"Using the old method is guaranteed to be correct"
"Uncertain things are the scariest"

However, if we think using first principles, the most fundamental question is: "Why do I need to go to work, and why do I need to write code?"

Evolution of Work Understanding#

Just Entering the Workforce: Simple and Direct#

When starting a job, thoughts are particularly pure:

Make money, support myself
Learn skills, gain experience
Be independent, not rely on parents
Prove myself, I can do it!

Real Case#

When I (yes, me) just graduated:

"I would be satisfied with a monthly salary over 10,000"
"A company with free snacks is a good company"
"As long as I can learn technology, it's fine"
"The boss praised my code, I'm happy!"

Back then, my thoughts were simple; I just wanted to make a living, and there’s nothing wrong with that; it's a necessary path.

Three to Five Years Later: Starting to Question Life#

After a few years of work, you might find that the more code you write, the more problems arise:

"Do I really like writing code? Or is it just because the salary is decent?"
"Why am I working overtime every day fixing bugs while the neighbor Wang is slacking off and getting promoted?"
"Is this job what I want, or is it just a 'good job' in others' eyes?"
"Is the 35-year-old crisis real? Should I switch to management?"
"Should I change jobs? Should I start a business? Should I just lie flat?"

Typical Confusion#

"The salary has increased, but I feel like I'm getting worse"
"The deeper I learn technology, the further I seem from the product"
"The job is stable, but it's so boring I want to doze off"
"The income is decent, but my hair is getting thinner"

At this point, we start to focus on some deeper questions:

"How many more years can I hustle?"
"Should I change careers?"
"Should I take the civil service exam?"
"Should I go back home and open a hotpot restaurant?"

A More Mature Stage: Starting to See Through#

After years of ups and downs, many people reach a more transparent state:

No longer anxious about switching to management (after all, it's all a pit)
No longer tangled about joining a big company (big companies also lay off)
Found their own rhythm (slacking and hustling are both parts of life)
Established their own judgment standards (the boss's happiness isn't the most important; personal happiness is)

Real Case#

My (still me) ten-year work insights:

After leaving BAT, I chose a small company (less money, less work, higher quality of life)
Refused several management positions (I still prefer writing code)
Had time to accompany family (no longer need to explain to my wife why I have to work overtime)
Started a side business (getting into cryptocurrency)
My mindset became more relaxed (project delayed? Let it be, the sky isn't falling)

Rethinking Work with First Principles#

Let's throw away all the constraints and rethink: what exactly is work?

1. Work is Value Exchange#

Like an API call:

Request:
- Time (8 hours a day, overtime counted separately)
- Skills (the self-cultivation of a CRUD boy)
- Creativity (how to implement the product manager's requirements)
- Physical strength (the focus needed for 8 hours of continuous debugging)
Response:
- Salary (the antidote to mortgage and car loan)
- Experience (learning from bugs)
- Connections (colleagues, future business partners?)
- Sense of accomplishment (finally fixed this bug!)

2. Work is a Game of Growth#

Skill trees continuously upgrade
Cognitive levels continuously improve
Ways of thinking continuously evolve
Social skills continuously enhance

It's like playing an RPG game; work is the main quest, but don't forget there are side quests (side projects) and leisure quests (life).

3. Work is Part of Life#

It's not everything (there's also family and warmth)
It needs balance (you can't have both hair and salary)
There must be boundaries (after work is after work, set work groups to do not disturb)

Establishing Your Own Work Perspective#

1. Break Free from the Constraints of "Should"#

You don't have to go to a big company (small companies can also thrive)
You don't have to be a leader (technical experts are also valuable)
Find your own rhythm (some like to sprint, some like marathons)

2. Establish Healthy Work Boundaries#

Slack off when it's time to slack off
Work hard when it's time to work hard
Rest when it's time to rest

3. Keep Evolving and Iterating#

Regularly reflect and summarize (just like code needs refactoring)
Adjust direction in a timely manner (if requirements change, change the plan)
Stay open and learn (new frameworks to learn, new languages to understand)

Practical Suggestions#

Regularly Talk to Yourself
Monthly reflection: Was it worth slacking off this month?
Record your mood, see your emotions: Did I feel like jumping off a building while fixing bugs today?
Review gains and losses: Where did this project go wrong?
Establish an Evaluation Framework
Is work enjoyable?
Is technology improving?
Is the income sufficient?
Make Timely Adjustments
If unhappy, change (there's always a more suitable pit)
Trust your instincts (if you're exhausted, it's time to go)
Dare to try (the worst that can happen is going back to writing CRUD)

A Few Final Words#

Thinking about work with first principles is not to deny everything that exists but to help us:

See the essence (work is just exchange)
Establish standards (happiness is the most important)
Make choices (life is short, cut losses in time)

I want to emphasize that your understanding of work will change with age and experience, and that's normal. The key is to frequently ask yourself: "Why do I work?" Only by occasionally pondering this question can you occasionally lift your head from the details of code and the complexities of work to see what you truly want at this stage.

After all, life is short, and code should be sweet. 🍬

1.2 Struggling at Work is Normal - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

Did You Struggle Today?#

"The requirements changed three times today..." "I've been fixing this bug for a week and still haven't solved it..." "The product manager changed the requirements again..." "The boss said we need to work overtime this weekend..."

If you often express such sentiments, don't worry; you're not alone. Every programmer struggles; it's just that some struggle more gracefully while others struggle more awkwardly.

Daily Struggles of Programmers#

Technical Struggles#

"The documentation for this framework is like reading ancient texts..."
"Which ancestor wrote this code? Where are the comments?"
"Why does it run fine locally but crashes when deployed?"
"Where did this bug even come from?"

Business Struggles#

"Product manager, can we communicate properly?"
"Does anyone actually use this requirement?"
"Changing requirements again? Why don't you write the code?"
"Does this feature really need to go live this week?"

Team Struggles#

"Why was my code review nitpicked again?"
"Why is my code always criticized for being non-standard?"
"I can't understand Wang's code..."
"The new colleague's skills are a bit lacking; it's exhausting to guide them..."

Why Do We Struggle?#

1. Rapid Technical Development#

Yesterday's best practices become cautionary tales today
Just learned Vue2, and Vue3 is out
Just figured out Redux, and Mobx is trending
Just got into Docker, and now k8s is here

It's like buying an iPhone 13, and then iPhone 14 is released; those who understand know the feeling...

2. Fluctuating Business Requirements#

Common phrases from product managers:

"This feature is simple; can you finish it before the end of the day?"
"The client said to make a small change."
"This requirement is urgent; can we go live today?"

Every time I hear the word "simple," my heart skips a beat. Experience tells us that when a product manager says "simple," it often means an all-nighter.

3. Complex Interpersonal Relationships#

Product managers want creativity
Testers want zero defects
Operations want rapid deployment
Bosses want cost reduction and efficiency
I just want to quietly write code

It's like playing a multiplayer online game; everyone wants to be the center of attention, but the programmer often ends up taking the blame...

What is the Essence of Struggle?#

If you think about it carefully, struggles at work boil down to a few situations:

1. Mismatch Between Ability and Requirements#

Project requirement: Proficient in distributed architecture
Reality: Proficient in CRUD
Final result: Working overtime every day and still not finishing

2. Mismatch Between Expectations and Reality#

Expectation: Focused on writing elegant code to change the world
Reality: Constantly fixing bugs and negotiating requirements from all directions
Result: Daily life questioning

3. Mismatch Between Effort and Reward#

Effort: Working 12 hours a day
Reward: Salary increase not keeping up with inflation
Outcome: Hair getting thinner

How to Struggle Gracefully?#

1. Adjust Your Mindset#

Treat bugs as bonus questions
Treat overtime as charging time
Treat changing requirements as training
Treat taking the blame as experience

(Okay, I know this sounds like "mental victory," but it really works!)

2. Improve Your Skills; the More You Struggle, the Faster You Grow#

Learn a new skill every day
Try to solve problems yourself first
Reflect and summarize well
Build a knowledge system

3. Build a Moat#

On the technical side:
- Be proficient in at least one area
- Deepen at least one direction
- Highlight at least one specialty
On the soft skills side:
- Learn to negotiate with product managers
- Learn to reason with testers
- Learn to say no to leaders
- Learn to help each other with colleagues

Growth Through Struggle#

1. Technical Growth#

From "How do I fix this bug?" to "Why does this bug exist?"
From "How do I write this code?" to "How should this code be designed?"
From "Copy and paste" to "Look at the source code for answers"

2. Cognitive Growth#

From "Completing tasks" to "Solving problems"
From "Writing code" to "Writing proposals"
From "Fixing bugs" to "Preventing bugs"

3. Career Growth#

From "Passive acceptance of requirements" to "Proactively proposing solutions"
From "Just writing code" to "Participating in decision-making"
From "Solo fighting" to "Team collaboration"

A Few Final Words#

Struggles at work are like a compulsory course in life: it's not your fault, but you have to solve it. It's not something you can control, but you have to take responsibility. It's not what you want, but you have to face it.

Instead of complaining about struggles, treat them as opportunities for growth. Just like refactoring code, the process of struggle is also the process of self-refinement.

In the end, struggle is normal, but happiness can be too! You can't control the reality of struggles at work, but you can control your attitude towards facing that reality.

1.3 Work Cannot Carry Too Much Meaning, But Don't Fall into Work Nihilism - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

Two Extremes About Work#

Recently, I've often seen two extreme voices in programmer groups:

Extreme 1: Work is Everything in Life#

"How can you improve without working overtime?"
"How can you succeed without hustling?"
"Work is the meaning of life!"
"You have to work hard to have a future!"

These people treat work as the entirety of life, as if they can't survive without it. They work late into the night, think about work on weekends, and their social media is filled with technical articles...

Extreme 2: Work is a Waste of Life#

"Isn't work just for making money?"
"After all, it's just working for the boss."
"Going to work is a waste of life."
"If I can slack off, I will."

These people feel that work is meaningless, that going to work is just consuming life, and they wish they could quit and wander off immediately.

Why Are There These Two Extremes?#

Pressure from mortgages and car loans
Anxiety about the 35-year-old crisis
Comparisons with peers
Parents' expectations

2. The Amplifying Effect of the Internet#

Brainwashing by success theories
The temptation of "lying flat"
The spread of various extreme viewpoints
Accumulation of negative energy

3. Limitations of Personal Cognition, of Course, Also the Current Mainstream Work Ethics#

Equating work with life
Equating hard work with the highest morality
Equating income with value
Equating position with ability
Equating busyness with progress

What Does Work Actually Carry?#

1. The Most Basic: Survival Needs#

Basic needs (this is the most fundamental)
Housing (a place to settle)
Transportation (a means of getting around)
Medical insurance (just in case)

2. Advanced: Growth Needs#

Skill enhancement
Expanding horizons
Building connections
Accumulating experience

3. Higher Level: Self-Actualization#

Sense of achievement
Recognition of value
Contribution to society
Personal influence

What is the Truth About Work?#

1. Work is Neither Everything Nor Nihilistic#

It is part of life, but not everything
It has its value, but it's not the only value
It deserves serious attention, but don't take it too seriously
It requires investment, but not infinite investment

2. Work is a Balance#

Between ideals and reality
Between effort and reward
Between individual and team
Between work and life

3. Work is a Process#

It's not the destination, but the journey
It's not the result, but the experience
It's not a burden, but a choice
It's not a constraint, but an opportunity

How to Find Balance?#

1. Give Work an Appropriate Position#

Don't take it too seriously
Don't take it too lightly
Find a comfortable rhythm
Maintain a healthy distance

2. Establish a Diverse Life#

Have hobbies outside of work
Have friends outside of the workplace
Have interests outside of technology
Have pursuits beyond income

3. Maintain Clear Awareness#

Know what you want
Understand what you are doing
Be clear about what you can do
Know what you should do

Some Specific Suggestions#

1. Work Hours#

Leave when it's time to go
Try not to work overtime on weekends
Take good breaks
Slack off in moderation

2. Work Attitude#

Be serious when it's time to be serious
Relax when it's time to relax
Say no when it's time to refuse
Compromise when it's time to compromise

3. Work Methods#

Improve efficiency, not extend time
Pursue quality, not just quantity
Focus on growth, not just pure effort
Emphasize methods, not just brute force

A Few Final Words#

Work is like a dimension of life: it's important, but not the only one. It requires investment, but there should be limits. It deserves seriousness, but don't be too obsessed.

Work is for a better life, not to make life a subsidiary of work.

Our goal is: work seriously, live happily. Be neither a slave to work nor an escapee from life.

Finally, here's a saying for everyone: Work and life are like code and comments; both are indispensable, but the ratio should be appropriate.

2.1 An Open Mindset is Your First Lesson in the Workplace - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

Why is an Open Mindset So Important?#

Do you remember the feeling when you first encountered a new framework? Faced with a screen full of new concepts, you might have wanted to close the editor immediately and retreat to your familiar "comfort zone." It's like a frog that has never seen the ocean suddenly thrown into the Pacific Ocean—panic ensues.

But did you know? This "panic" feeling often indicates that we have encountered an opportunity for growth.

Fixed Mindset vs. Growth Mindset#

When it comes to thinking patterns, we must mention the two types proposed by psychologist Carol Dweck:

Those with a fixed mindset think like this:

"This new framework is too difficult; I can't learn it."
"I'm just a backend programmer; I don't even want to touch frontend stuff."
"I've been writing Java for ten years; I can't change this habit."
"New technology? I'll wait until others have stepped on the pit."

Does this sound familiar? It's like a stubborn ostrich that buries its head in the sand when faced with challenges, thinking, "If I can't see it, it doesn't exist."

Those with a growth mindset think like this:

"I can't understand it, but it seems interesting."
"Learning one more skill means one more path."
"Let's give it a try; the worst that can happen is an error."
"Stepping on a pit is also a kind of experience."

This is like a curious cat that wants to poke at anything new, perhaps discovering a new world.

Why is an Open Mindset the First Lesson?#

Imagine if you were a cup:

A fixed mindset is like a cup already filled with water; no new information can be added.
A growth mindset is like an empty cup, ready to accept new knowledge at any time.

In the workplace, technology updates faster than your phone's operating system. The technology you mastered today may become "traditional skills" tomorrow. If you don't maintain an open mindset:

New technologies won't be learned
New methods won't be applied
New opportunities won't be seized
New developments won't be seen

It's like the old saying: "SELECT * FROM world WHERE mindset = 'open'"—okay, I made that up, but you get my point.

How to Cultivate an Open Mindset?#

1. Embrace "Not Knowing"#

I remember when I first transitioned to being a programmer, I was particularly afraid of being discovered when I encountered something I didn't understand. I would hold back for a long time before asking questions, searching for a pile of information, fearing someone would say, "You don't even know this?"

Looking back now, it's like wanting to fart in a public place; holding it in makes you uncomfortable while trying to act nonchalant. In fact, admitting "I don't know" is not embarrassing at all; what's embarrassing is pretending to know when you don't (that's the easiest to expose), not learning when you don't know (that's the quickest way to fall behind), and not asking when you don't understand (that's the most time-consuming).

2. Learn to "Reset"#

Every so often, we need to "format" ourselves:

Clear away existing biases
Reassess work methods
Consider whether there are better solutions

Just like our computers, we need to restart occasionally, clear the cache, and update the system. Otherwise, you might still be using Internet Explorer, thinking it's the best choice.

3. Maintain Curiosity#

Curiosity is like our "skill points" that need constant investment:

When you see new technology, think, "This is interesting."
When you encounter new methods, try asking, "Why?"
When you come across new tools, ponder, "How to use this?"

I remember a colleague once said, "I'm not a genius, but I have a curious heart." Indeed, workplace progress sometimes relies on this "curiosity" spirit.

4. Establish a "Trial and Error" Mechanism#

Many people are afraid to try new things because they fear making mistakes. But think about it:

Isn't the testing environment meant for making mistakes?
Isn't code review meant to identify problems?
Isn't version control meant for regrets?

Treating "trial and error" as part of learning is just like playing a game; dying a few times is normal to get familiar with the map.

Practical Suggestions for an Open Mindset#

1. Start Small#

Don't jump straight into the hardest challenges; you can:

Try using a new IDE plugin today
Learn a new shortcut tomorrow
Experiment with a new debugging method the day after

Just like starting from the beginner village in a game, take it step by step.

2. Find Learning Partners#

Form a study group with colleagues
Join a tech community
Follow the blogs of tech experts

Having a partner to learn with makes you feel less like you're fighting alone, and your partner can bring new perspectives and ideas, even serving as a form of supervision.

3. Establish a Feedback Loop#

Regularly summarize learning gains
Timely record encountered problems
Share your insights and experiences

Just like writing code requires unit tests, learning also needs timely feedback. This is very important because only feedback can let us know our learning effectiveness, guide us in the right direction, and motivate us to continue learning.

Conclusion#

An open mindset doesn't mean becoming a "grass that sways with the wind" without opinions; it means being an explorer willing to try, a seeker eager to learn, and an actor brave enough to change.

Just like an excellent program, it should have stable core logic and sufficient extensibility. Maintaining an open mindset gives your "program" enough interfaces, ready to embrace new updates and upgrades at any time.

After all, in this rapidly evolving internet age, the only constant is change itself. Instead of resisting, embrace it. Let's embark on a new journey in the workplace with an open mindset!

2.3 Seeking Help is a High-Level Skill - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

Starting with an Awkward Story#

"Um... Old Wang, do you know how to fix this error?" "Have you Googled it yourself?" "Uh... not yet..." "......"

I believe every programmer has experienced this awkward moment: asking a colleague about a problem without doing any research first, only to be looked down upon. But there's also another situation:

"I've been debugging this bug for a week, and I just can't figure it out..." "Why didn't you say so earlier? I just dealt with this issue last week!"

Does this sound familiar? Both situations highlight one problem: we don't know how to seek help, or more specifically, we don't know how to seek help correctly.

Why Are We Afraid to Seek Help?#

1. Face Issues#

"Will asking such a simple question make me seem incompetent?"
"I've been working for so long; how embarrassing is it that I don't know this..."
"What if my colleagues look down on me..."
"Will the boss think I'm incapable..."

2. Misconceptions#

"I should solve my own problems."
"An excellent programmer should know everything."
"Asking others is a sign of incompetence."
"Independently solving problems is true skill."

3. Personality Factors#

Introverted and not good at communication
Not wanting to bother others
Fear of rejection
Social anxiety

Consequences of Not Seeking Help#

1. Time Costs#

A problem that an experienced colleague can solve in 5 minutes
You might take an entire day to figure it out
Project progress gets delayed
Work efficiency drops significantly

2. Psychological Burden#

The more stuck you get, the more anxious you become
The more anxious you are, the more stuck you get
Confidence gets undermined
Work enthusiasm declines

3. Team Impact#

Experiences that could have been shared weren't
Pits that could have been avoided weren't
Team collaboration efficiency decreases
Repeatedly stepping into the same pit

When Should You Seek Help?#

1. When You Should Solve It Yourself#

Basic syntax issues
Simple configuration problems
Common error messages
Problems with clear error prompts

2. When You Should Ask for Help#

You've tried various solutions without success
You've searched a lot of information but found no clues
You've been stuck for a long time without progress
It involves historical issues
You need business-related context

How to Seek Help Correctly?#

1. Preparation Before Asking for Help#

Clearly describe the problem
Under what circumstances did it occur
What solutions have you already tried
Where are you currently stuck
Prepare relevant information
Error logs
Environment information
Steps to reproduce
Relevant code snippets

2. Choose the Right Person#

Colleagues who understand this field
Seniors who have worked on similar projects
Friends with relevant experience
Experts from specific technical communities

3. Choose the Right Timing#

Don't ask when others are busiest
Don't ask just before quitting time
Don't ask when the other person is in a meeting
It's best to schedule a time in advance

The Art of Asking Questions#

1. Good Ways to Ask Questions#

"I'm encountering a problem while implementing the XX feature..."
"I've tried solutions A, B, and C, but none worked..."
"I think it might be due to XX; what do you think?"
"Could you help me see if this approach is correct?"

2. Poor Ways to Ask Questions#

"How do I do this?"
"Why doesn't my code work?"
"Can you see what's wrong?"
"How do I fix this bug?"

3. Things to Note When Asking#

Be clear and specific in your expression
Be humble and sincere in your attitude
Respect the other person's time
Remember to summarize and thank them

Establishing a Positive Cycle#

1. Timely Record and Summarize#

Record the solutions
Summarize the reasons for the problems
Organize related knowledge points
Share experiences with other colleagues

2. Actively Give Back to Others#

Help colleagues facing similar problems
Share your experiences and lessons
Participate in technical discussions and sharing
Contribute to the team's knowledge base

3. Establish a Learning System#

Collect common problems
Organize solutions
Build a knowledge system
Form experience accumulation

Final Thoughts#

In the profession of programming, seeking help is not a sign of incompetence, nor is it an excuse to evade responsibility; it's a method to improve efficiency and a means to solve problems.

Just like code should emphasize reuse, experiences can also be reused, knowledge can be shared, and growth can be mutually supported.

Programmers who know how to seek help are the true experts. Not because they know everything, but because they know how to solve problems faster.

2.4 Afraid to Face Conflict, How Can I Stand Up? - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

"Old Wang, your code is really terrible!" "What? What's wrong with my code?" "Your variable naming, your code structure, is this something a person can understand?" "I thought it was fine; as long as it runs, that's good enough..." "As long as it runs?! Do you know who will maintain it later?"

The atmosphere became quite awkward.

Many of us have experienced the awkwardness of code reviews going wrong. But more often, our reactions are:

Silently clicking "received" and continuing to slack off
Cursing the other person for being too picky in our hearts, but saying, "Okay, I'll fix it."
After fixing, immediately arguing with the product: "This requirement was unreasonable from the start!"
Unable to argue in the work group, immediately blocking the other person.

To be honest, who hasn't started as a coward? When I first started working, I was quite timid. When the product manager changed requirements, I silently accepted it; when the tester pointed out bugs, I silently modified it; when the leader said we needed to work overtime, I silently complied... Until one day, I just couldn't take it anymore.

Why Are We So Cowardly?#

Traditional Culture Teaches Us to Be "Nice People"#

From childhood, we've been taught that "harmony is precious." Starting from elementary school:

"You should get along well with your classmates."
"Just bear with it, and it will be fine."
"Suffering is a blessing"—I've heard these phrases so many times.

In the workplace, this mindset is even stronger:

"We're all colleagues."
"Being nice brings wealth."
"It's better to avoid trouble."

As a result, we end up with a bunch of "nice people" in the workplace.

Fear of Offending Others#

We can't really blame ourselves for being cowardly; it's simply that:

Offending the testers means your bugs won't get through.
Offending the product means the next requirement will make you question life.
Offending the leader puts your performance at risk.
Offending colleagues means code reviews will nitpick you until dawn.

What's worse is that teamwork is emphasized nowadays. Offending one person might offend a whole group. Who doesn't want to make a living?

Insufficient Technical Confidence#

To be honest, many times we don't dare to confront because:

The code isn't good enough.
The technical depth isn't sufficient.
The solution has flaws.
The experience is lacking.

It's quite awkward; you know the other person's words aren't entirely correct, but you can't articulate why.

Cowardice Leads to Problems#

Technical Debt Accumulates#

Today, you compromise and use a poor solution.
Tomorrow, you settle for writing poor code.
The day after, you reluctantly modify a poor requirement. What happens in the end? The entire project becomes a mess.

I've encountered a "temporary solution" that lasted two years, and when it came time to refactor, I didn't even dare to touch it, fearing the entire system would collapse.

The Blame Game#

The tester says there's a bug, and you silently fix it.
The product says to change the requirements, and you silently modify it.
The operations team says to add a feature, and you silently change it.
The leader says to optimize, and you silently adjust.

And what happens? If anything goes wrong: "Who modified this code?" "Oh, it was Xiao Wang; he always modifies it..."

Becoming Invisible in the Workplace#

Over time:

You don't dare to speak up in technical discussions.
You don't dare to oppose in solution reviews.
You don't dare to voice your ideas.
You don't dare to make suggestions.

In the end, you become an invisible person in the team, with only your daily clock-ins remaining.

Conflict Isn't That Scary#

Workplace Conflict is Normal#

Just like writing code:

Different people have different coding styles.
Different teams have different tech stacks.
Different projects have different requirements.

Having disagreements is normal; not having disagreements is what’s abnormal.

Treat Conflict as an Opportunity#

Getting criticized in a code review is an opportunity to improve code quality.
Being questioned about a proposal is an opportunity to refine the design.
Having differing opinions is an opportunity for thought collision.
Discrepancies in requirements are opportunities to deepen business understanding.

How to Stand Up?#

First, Improve Your Technical Skills#

In simple terms, a lack of confidence stems from a lack of strength.

Learn to:

Think about why you write code a certain way before writing it.
Consider potential pitfalls before accepting requirements.
Research how peers handle similar proposals.
Spend time reading source code, not just focusing on CRUD.

Learn to Express Yourself Correctly#

My previous way of expressing myself was: "This... might... have a problem..."

Now, I express myself like this: "I see three issues with this proposal: 1. There may be performance bottlenecks 2. The scalability isn't great 3. The maintenance cost will be high. I suggest we..."

Turn Confrontation into Collaboration#

Instead of confronting:

"Your requirements change too frequently!"
"Your code is really terrible!"
"Your testing is too detailed!"

It's better to say:

"Why don't we first clarify the core requirements?"
"Let's look at how we can optimize the code together."
"Can we prioritize the test cases?"

Final Thoughts#

Workplace conflict is like bugs in code; encountering them is normal, solving them is important, avoiding them is not an option, and handling them promptly is essential.

The important thing is not to avoid conflict but to learn how to handle it.

Remember:

It's better to speak up than to keep it bottled up.
It's better to lay the problem on the table than to struggle in silence.
It's better to discuss differences face-to-face than to complain behind backs.

In the end, I wish everyone can become a "tough guy" in the workplace, no longer afraid of conflict.

2.5 How to Face Workplace PUA - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

"Xiao Wang, look at Xiaozhang from the next group; he's working overtime on weekends..." "With this little code, how long do you plan to take?" "At your age, I was already a senior engineer..." "Not working overtime? Don't you feel a sense of belonging to the company?"

Does this sound familiar? This isn't ordinary lecturing; it's blatant workplace PUA.

What is Workplace PUA?#

In simple terms, it's using various "seemingly reasonable" ways to undermine your confidence and control your behavior.

Common PUA Phrases#

Product Manager Version:

"Other developers say this requirement is very simple."
"It's just a small change; why is it taking so long?"
"Look at so-and-so; they never say they can't do it."

Technical Leader Version:

"How could you make such a simple bug?"
"How did you pass the interview with code like this?"
"It seems your coding skills haven't improved much."

HR Version:

"Look at Xiao Li from the same cohort; he’s already been promoted."
"With your performance, how much do you think you'll get for the year-end bonus?"
"The job market is tough right now; you should cherish this opportunity."

Why Are We Vulnerable to PUA?#

1. Low Status in the Workplace#

Just graduated with no experience
Insufficient technical depth
Limited qualifications
No voice in discussions

It's like when I first started working; I would get criticized ten times for changing a line of code, and I had to revise a requirement hundreds of times, always being told, "You don't know this?"

2. Unfamiliar with the Tactics#

Thinking that working harder will get you noticed
Believing that being accommodating will keep you safe
Assuming that effort will yield returns
Thinking that being honest will prevent being bullied

What happens? The more honest you are, the more you get bullied; the more accommodating you are, the more they take advantage.

3. Fear of Resistance#

"What if I offend the leader?"
"Will I be treated unfairly if I offend HR?"
"It's not easy to find a job now..."
"Maybe I should just endure..."

What Are the Serious Consequences of PUA?#

1. Exhaustion of Body and Mind#

No passion for work
Poor sleep quality
Anxiety at work
Feeling nauseous at the sight of certain people

2. Career Development Stagnation#

Confidence is undermined
Creativity is suppressed
Initiative is worn down
Growth opportunities are limited

3. Increasingly Competitive Environment#

Today:

"Let's work overtime this weekend." Tomorrow:
"Let's do more this month." The day after:
"Look at others..."

How to Deal with Workplace PUA?#

1. Open Your Eyes and Recognize PUA#

Normal criticism:

"This code can be optimized; let's take a look together."
"This bug should be noted next time; let me teach you how to troubleshoot."
"Is your progress a bit slow lately? Are you facing any difficulties?"

PUA-style criticism:

"You can't even write such simple code?"
"You make such basic mistakes; what were you thinking?"
"With your efficiency, how can you be a programmer?"

2. Build Self-Protection#

Record your work content
What you did each day
What problems you solved
What value you contributed
Keep evidence
Save chat records
Save email correspondence
Record key meeting notes
Set boundaries
Work hours should have limits
Overtime should be compensated
Responsibilities should have boundaries

3. Learn to Respond Positively#

PUA: "How come this simple requirement is taking you so long?" Response:

"This requirement involves changes to modules A, B, and C; I estimate it will take three days."
"I've completed 70% of this; what areas do you think we can speed up?"
"Are we evaluating based on output or overtime?"

PUA: "Look at Xiaozhang; he works overtime on weekends..." Response:

"I focus more on efficiency; I plan my work in advance."
"My workload and output meet the requirements; is there a problem?"
"Are we evaluating based on output or hours worked?"

4. Prepare an Exit Strategy#

Keep your skills updated
Expand your network
Pay attention to market opportunities

Special Reminders#

1. Don't Expect PUA Practitioners to Change#

They won't change because PUA is an effective management tool for them; they might have been PUA'd themselves and see nothing wrong with it.

2. Protect Yourself#

Your health is the most important; prioritize your mental well-being, plan your career development, and leave when it's time to go.

3. Beware of Becoming a PUA Practitioner#

Don't adopt this approach when you become a leader
Persuade newcomers with reason
Evaluate code based on the matter at hand
Communicate about work rationally

Final reminders:

Work is just a job
A company is just a company
A leader is just a leader
Your life shouldn't be ruined by PUA

Workplace PUA is like a dead loop in code: if you discover it early, you can jump out in time; if you discover it late, the entire system might collapse.

2.8 Feeling Burned Out at Work? Try the Clover Model - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

"I'm so tired of work lately; going to work feels like going to a grave..." "It's not just physical exhaustion; I just can't muster any energy." "I just want to slack off; I have no interest in work at all."

If you're feeling this way, consider using the Clover Model to diagnose yourself.

What is the Clover Model?#

The Clover Model is a career planning model that divides work motivation into three leaves:

Interest Leaf: The level of enthusiasm and love for work
Ability Leaf: The skills and talents to solve problems
Value Leaf: The rewards and meaning derived from work

These three leaves influence each other and are all essential:

Having interest enhances learning ability
Having ability allows for creating more value
Having value sustains interest

Three Types of Burnout#

1. Boredom Type (Interest Leaf Wilting)#

Symptoms:

Always looking forward to getting off work
Annoyed at the sight of code
No enthusiasm for anything
Working is just about completing tasks

As one of my colleagues said: "I used to get excited about new technologies; now I feel overwhelmed by new frameworks." "I remember when I first started working, I would still write code on weekends; now I don't even want to open the IDE."

2. Anxiety Type (Ability Leaf Insufficient)#

Symptoms:

Always feeling like you're falling behind
Afraid of receiving new requirements
Can't understand colleagues' code
Feeling restless during technical sharing

A typical scenario: "The product manager says this is simple, but I’ve been staring at it for ages without a clue..." "While my colleague can finish a feature in two days, it takes me a week..."

3. Disappointment Type (Value Leaf Missing)#

Symptoms:

No return for your efforts
Efforts go unrecognized
No visible career development
Feeling like a tool

Common complaints: "I optimized the entire system's performance, and the boss said, 'Isn't that expected?'" "The plan I worked overtime to finish was dismissed the next day with 'the requirements have changed.'"

How to Cure Burnout?#

1. Treatment Plan for Boredom Type#

Step 1: Reconnect with the source of your interest - Recall why you chose programming - List the technical points that excited you - Think about the projects that gave you the most satisfaction.

Step 2: Re-cultivate interest - Try a side project that interests you - Research new technologies or open-source projects - Collaborate with like-minded colleagues to create something.

Step 3: Transform interest - Gamify tedious work - Set small goals in daily tasks - Challenge yourself with technical challenges.

2. Treatment Plan for Anxiety Type#

Step 1: Face the skills gap - List specific skill deficiencies - Set reasonable learning goals - Create an actionable plan.

Step 2: Systematic improvement - Dedicate fixed time daily for learning - Participate in challenging projects - Seek guidance and learn from experts.

Step 3: Leverage strengths - Focus on areas where you excel - Master existing skills - Find a position that suits you.

3. Treatment Plan for Disappointment Type#

Step 1: Redefine value - Don't just look at external rewards - Focus on personal growth - Seek other meanings in work.

Step 2: Create value - Proactively take on important tasks - Solve team pain points - Increase the visibility of your work.

Step 3: Find a suitable platform - Choose a team that fits you better - Find a leader who appreciates you - Seek an environment with aligned values.

Special Reminders#

The three leaves influence each other; regaining interest will naturally enhance ability, improving ability will reveal value, and gaining value will deepen interest.
Healing burnout takes time; don't expect immediate results; give yourself a buffer period and maintain patience and confidence.
Remember, the choice is yours; you can switch teams, change directions, or seek new opportunities.

Just like debugging code: first, identify the problem (which leaf is problematic), then analyze the cause (why is this happening), and finally solve the problem (treat it accordingly).

As programmers, we are so dedicated to fixing bugs; we should also be just as serious about addressing our burnout.

2.10 How to Make Choices in the Workplace - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

"Should I change jobs?" "Should I switch to management?" "Should I take on this project?" "Should I join a startup?"

The workplace is a continuous process of making choices. But often, we get tangled up like debugging a random bug.

Daily Life of a Choice-Phobic#

1. Job Change Dilemma#

The current company, while not perfect, is stable.
The new company offers more, but who knows how many pitfalls there are?
The current colleagues have a good relationship; changing environments means starting over.
Maybe... I'll wait a bit longer?

2. Direction Choice Dilemma#

Should I continue in technology or switch to management?
Should I specialize in one direction or develop broadly?
Is it better to switch from Java to Go or Python?
Maybe... I should learn them all?

3. Project Choice Dilemma#

The old project is familiar, even if it's bad.
The new project is good, but risky.
This one is challenging, but it might be exhausting.
Maybe... I'll just go with whatever?

Why Are Choices So Difficult?#

1. Information Asymmetry#

The new company looks great, but what's the reality?
The new technology is trending, but will it be a flash in the pan?
The new project seems cool, but how deep are the pitfalls?

It's like buying a house: it looks well-decorated, but you never know if the neighbors will play music at midnight.

2. Uncertain Outcomes#

Changing jobs might lead to promotions and raises, or it might be full of obstacles.
Switching to management could lead to smooth sailing or being caught in the middle.
Taking on a new project could lead to great success or a total failure.

3. Opportunity Cost#

Choosing A means giving up B.
Choosing this means missing out on that.
If you don't choose now, you might not have the chance later.

Two Practical Decision-Making Approaches#

1. "Hell Yeah" or "No"#

When faced with a choice, ask yourself: "Does this opportunity excite me to the point where I want to shout 'Hell Yeah!'?"

If your answer is: "It's okay," "Not bad," "Pretty good," or "Worth considering," then sorry, none of these are "Hell Yeah!" and it should be a "No."

2. Future Story Principle#

Ask yourself: "Will this be a story worth sharing happily at a dinner party?"

A good story looks like this:

"I led the team to restructure the entire system architecture..."
"We improved performance by 10 times in a month..."
"I built the company's AI team from scratch..."

A boring story looks like this:

"I just hung around for three years, clocking in and out..."
"Work is okay; the salary is decent..."
"It's just like that; what else can I say?"

How to Use These Two Approaches to Make Choices?#

1. Job Change Decisions#

Don't ask:

How much higher is the salary at the new company?
How good are the benefits at the new company?
How reputable is the new company?

Ask:

Am I excited about going to this company?
Will this job give me a good story to tell?
Three years from now, will I be proud of this choice?

2. Technical Direction#

Don't ask:

Is this technology popular?
Is this direction profitable?
Is the learning curve steep?

Ask:

Does this technology make my blood boil with excitement?
Will this direction give me a sense of achievement?
Will this be a highlight in my career?

3. Project Choices#

Don't ask:

Is this project easy or difficult?
Is there any risk in this project?
Can this project be completed on time?

Ask:

Is this project challenging enough?
Will this project help me grow?
Is this project worth my investment?

Special Reminders#

1. "Hell Yeah" is Not Blind Optimism#

It's not about ignoring risks or reality; it's about genuine excitement after thorough evaluation.

2. "Good Story" is Not Bragging#

It's not about pursuing superficial glamour or showing off; it's about real growth and gains.

3. Can't Find a "Hell Yeah" Choice?#

It might be that your perspective needs to broaden, your skills need to improve, or your direction needs adjustment.

Final Thoughts#

Choices in the workplace are like writing code: don't just look at the surface requirements, don't just focus on immediate implementation; consider long-term maintainability and future extensibility.

In the end, your career is a collection of choices that form a story; it should either be exciting enough to warrant a "Hell Yeah!" or simply not be included.

3.1 What to Talk About in One-on-One Meetings with Your Leader - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

"Next week is my one-on-one, and I don't know what to talk about..." "Every time it's the leader asking, and I just answer; it feels so passive." "One-on-ones are so awkward, like a blind date..."

Many people have this concern. In fact, a one-on-one is a rare opportunity; it just depends on whether you know how to use it.

Why Should You Value One-on-Ones?#

1. This is Your Exclusive Time#

It's not a daily morning meeting
It's not a project weekly meeting
It's not a performance review
It's 30 minutes that belong to you

2. This is an Opportunity for Two-Way Communication#

It's not a lecture from the leader
It's not a work report
It's not a passive Q&A
It's an equal dialogue

3. This is a Moment to Build Trust#

It's not superficial politeness
It's not just going through the motions
It's not mutual suspicion
It's genuine communication

What to Talk About?#

1. Work Progress#

Don't just say: "The project is going according to plan..." "There aren't any special issues..."

Say:

What challenges you've encountered
How you solved them
What you've learned
What support you still need

2. Personal Growth#

Proactively share:

What you're currently learning
What bottlenecks you're facing
What confusions you have
Which direction you want to develop in the future

3. Team Building#

You can discuss:

How the team atmosphere is
How collaboration with colleagues is going
Any suggestions for processes
What the team is still lacking

4. Thoughts on the Company#

You can talk about:

Your understanding of the company's strategy
Suggestions for the product
Ideas for process improvements
Suggestions for team development

How to Discuss?#

1. Preparation Before the Meeting#

Make an outline
Record key points
Prepare specific examples
Think about your requests

For example: "I'm currently working on performance optimization and have encountered a few challenges; I'd like to discuss them with you..." "I'm a bit confused about my future career development and would like to hear your advice..."

2. Techniques During the Meeting#

Start with the important points
Use data to support your statements
Offer constructive suggestions
Pay attention to feedback

3. Follow-Up After the Meeting#

Record key points
Implement action items
Follow up on solutions
Report progress next time

Common Scenarios#

1. When Encountering Difficulties#

Don't say: "This problem is so hard; I can't solve it..."

Say: "I'm facing this problem; I've tried these solutions, but the results weren't ideal. I'd like to hear your suggestions..."

2. When You Have Ideas or Suggestions#

Don't say: "I think our team should do this and that..."

Say: "I've observed this issue, and the possible reasons might be... I suggest we could... What do you think of this idea?"

3. When Discussing Growth Plans#

Don't say: "I want to develop into a senior engineer..."

Say: "Based on the team's needs and my personal interests, I want to delve into system architecture and have been studying related knowledge; I hope to get some practical opportunities..."

Things to Note#

1. Be Sincere, Not Complaining#

Focus on solutions
Avoid grumbling
Maintain a constructive attitude
Keep a positive mindset

2. Be Specific, Not Vague#

Provide many examples
Avoid empty talk
Support with data
Focus on results

3. Be Proactive, Not Passive#

Prepare topics in advance
Share ideas proactively
Seek effective feedback
Follow up on actions promptly

Special Reminders About One-on-Ones#

1. It's Not a Complaining Session#

Don't just complain, don't spread negativity, and don't speak ill of colleagues; maintain professionalism.

2. It's Not a Performance Time#

Don't overly embellish, don't avoid the main issues, and don't exaggerate achievements; stay sincere.

3. It's Not a One-Way Report#

Don't just report achievements, don't just update progress, and don't just answer without asking; engage in interactive communication.

Final Suggestions#

Treat one-on-ones as opportunities for self-improvement, channels for building trust, platforms for solving problems, and boosters for career development.

A good one-on-one is not about the length of time but the quality of communication; it's not about how much was said but about what was resolved.

3.4 My Colleagues are Idiots, and I Have Idiot Syndrome; I Can't Stand It Anymore - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

"How could he take three days to fix such a simple bug?" "I've explained this requirement eight hundred times; how does he still not understand?" "Oh my god, is this code written by a human?"

If you often vent like this, congratulations, you might also be suffering from "idiot syndrome," and this is a test of your ability to be "backward compatible."

First, Calm Down#

1. Everyone is Someone Else's "Idiot"#

Product managers think programmers don't understand requirements.
Programmers think testers don't understand development.
Testers think operations don't understand testing.
Operations think everyone else doesn't understand operations (something seems off here...)

2. "Smart" is a Relative Concept#

You think he's stupid,
But others might think you're even dumber.
Just like your code,
It might be criticized by others in the group (thinking about it makes me a bit nervous).

3. Everyone Has Their Strengths#

He may write code slowly, but he has fewer bugs.
He may understand requirements slowly, but he is stable.
He may have average technical skills, but he has good relationships.
He may not be very smart, but he works hard (maybe it's not that bad?).

How to Cope?#

1. Change Your Perspective#

Maybe he's a newbie.
Maybe he's switching careers.
Maybe he's learning.
Maybe he has special difficulties (who hasn't been a newbie?).

2. Adjust Your Mindset#

Instead of getting angry, help.
Instead of complaining, guide.
Instead of being disdainful, be tolerant.
Instead of avoiding, communicate (this seems reasonable).

3. Specific Actions#

Write detailed documentation.
Draw clear flowcharts.
Provide patient explanations.
Give concrete examples (feeling more professional).

Special Reminders#

1. Avoid Personal Attacks#

Don't say, "Why are you so stupid?"
Don't say, "You don't even understand this?"
Don't say, "Who hired you?"
Don't say, "Is there something wrong with your brain?" (Saying this makes you seem low.)

2. Don't Overly Take Charge#

Not everyone needs you to save them.
Not everything needs your management.
Give them space to grow.
Give yourself a chance to breathe (it's not worth exhausting yourself).

3. Let Go When Necessary#

If communication truly fails:

Provide feedback to the leader.
Adjust the division of labor.
Change the collaboration method.
If all else fails, switch teams (cut losses in time is crucial).

Final Thoughts#

In fact, "idiot syndrome" often stems from our misunderstanding of others and our excessive confidence in ourselves.

Remember: everyone grows at their own pace; your tolerance for others is also kindness to yourself.

(Oh, it seems that "idiot" colleague has made quite a bit of progress lately...)

PS: If you really want to "kill" him, I suggest: 1. Use patience to "kill" his ignorance. 2. Use help to "kill" his confusion. 3. Use professionalism to "kill" his chaos. 4. If all else fails, "kill" your own prejudice.

4.1 A Good Partner Can Help You Digest Negative Work Emotions - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

"Let's not talk about work today!" "Forget about the company as soon as you get home!" "Don't bring work home!"

These phrases sound reasonable, but are they really appropriate?

1. Repression Doesn't Equal Resolution#

Emotions are like balloons; if you hold them in too long, they will eventually burst.

Deliberately avoiding them only increases pressure.
Negative emotions can accumulate in the subconscious.
This may lead to more serious psychological issues.
It affects the quality of work and life.
Negative emotions need appropriate release.
Find suitable people to confide in.
Choose the right way to express them.
Maintain healthy emotional flow.
A partner is the best confidant.
They understand your life situation best.
They are most likely to resonate emotionally.
They are most willing to listen to your heart.

2. The Unique Value of a Partner#

Why are partners more suitable for sharing than close friends?

They understand your personality traits better.
They know your way of handling things.
They understand your emotional changes.
They know how to comfort you.
A deeper emotional connection.
Shared life goals.
Mutual responsibility.
Long-term emotional investment.
A safer environment for sharing.
No need to worry about information leakage.
No need to worry about face issues.
You can fully show your vulnerabilities.

1. Choose the Right Timing#

Timing is more important than content.

Don't share during these times:
When you just got home and are tired.
When your partner is under work pressure.
When you're enjoying a meal.
When preparing to rest or sleep.
Recommended sharing times:
After dinner during a walk.
Over coffee on a weekend morning.
During a relaxed holiday outing.
In situations where both have the energy to listen.

Attitude determines effectiveness.

Choice of tone:
Calm, not agitated.
Rational, not emotional.
Discussing, not complaining.
Sharing, not venting.
Control of content:
Highlight key points.
Be clear and organized.
Know when to stop.
Interaction techniques:
Pay attention to your partner's reactions.
Give your partner a chance to express themselves.
Accept different viewpoints.
Thank your partner for listening.

📝 How to Start the Work Topic?#

1. Choose the Right Opening Line#

🔴 Inappropriate Ways:

"That product manager made a mistake again today!"
"Our boss is really too much!"
"I'm fed up with this job!"
"Do you know what happened today? It made me so mad!"

✅ Recommended Ways:

"Dear, can I share what happened today with you?"
"I'm a bit confused about work lately; I'd like to hear your thoughts."
"Have you encountered similar situations at work?"
"Can I share a little work story with you?"

2. Communication Phrases for Different Scenarios#

When facing work setbacks: "I encountered some difficulties in the project today; can I share them with you? I want to clarify my thoughts."

When facing workplace pressure: "I've been feeling a bit stressed at work lately; can we take a walk and chat? I feel much better talking to you."

When experiencing workplace conflicts: "I encountered a situation that's bothering me; I'd like to hear your thoughts. Have you faced something similar at work?"

After dinner: "I encountered something interesting today; can we chat while walking?"
Weekend morning: "Let's have a cup of coffee together; can I share a little story?"
During break time: "Can I borrow a few minutes to get your input on a question?"

Establish a routine for communication.
Create dedicated sharing scenarios.
Maintain an appropriate sharing frequency.
Pay attention to the quality of interactions.

2. Healthy Interaction Patterns#

Two-way information flow.
Equal dialogue relationship.
Positive feedback mechanisms.
Continuous emotional investment.

3. Positive Growth Cycle#

Mutual progress.
Support for each other.
Value recognition.
Strengthening the relationship.

❗️ Special Reminders#

1. Maintain a Sense of Boundaries#

Sharing doesn't mean revealing everything.

Be cautious about protecting company secrets.
Avoid discussing specific business data.
Don't disclose commercial secrets.
Avoid mentioning specific names.
Focus on emotions rather than details.
Control the amount of sharing.
Don't turn it into a complaining session.
Don't dwell in negativity.
Don't expect your partner to solve all problems.
Maintain a moderate amount of sharing.

2. Focus on Positive Feedback#

Don't just share difficulties; share joys too.

Share achievements at work.
Share the joy of completing projects.
Share the satisfaction of skill improvement.
Share pride in colleague recognition.
Share satisfaction with work progress.
Discuss career development.
Share career plans.
Explore development directions.
Envision a bright future.
Plan life together.

🎯 Final Thoughts#

Remember:

A good partnership is not just about two people living together; it's about mutual understanding and support at the soul level.

Work is an important part of life, not a secret that needs hiding. Appropriate sharing can not only help digest negative emotions but also enhance mutual understanding and trust.

Sharing the ups and downs of work is also a catalyst for warming the relationship. In mutual understanding and support, both individuals can grow.

(Oh, the product manager changed the requirements again today; I need to vent to my partner... I mean, "discuss rationally"~)

PS: For those still without partners:

Finding a good partner is really important.
Not just because you need someone to share the mortgage.
But because you need someone who understands you.
When you're tired, they hand you a warm drink.
And say, "Come on, tell me about it."

4.2 The Most Important Thing in Maintaining an Intimate Relationship - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

"Why can't you be like him/her..." "If only you could change this habit..." "When will you understand my feelings..."

Wait a minute, the most important thing in maintaining an intimate relationship is not passionate love, not endless giving, but—accepting the other person as they are.

🤔 Why Acceptance?#

1. Love is as You Are, Not as I Wish#

True love is not about transforming the other person into what you want.

Acceptance means:
Allowing the other person to remain authentic.
Respecting individual differences.
Providing space for growth.
Embracing imperfections.
Forcing change often leads to:
Suppressing the true self.
Creating resistance.
Accumulating negative feelings.
Growing apart in the relationship.

2. The Key to Stable Relationships#

Long-lasting relationships are built on mutual understanding and tolerance.

✅ Characteristics of Healthy Relationships:

Rarely attacking.
Rarely confronting.
Rarely forcing others.
Lots of understanding and acceptance.

🔴 Characteristics of Unhealthy Relationships:

Frequent criticism and blame.
Ongoing arguments and confrontations.
Attempts to change the other person.
Excessive expectations and demands.

💡 How to Achieve True Acceptance?#

1. Allow Imperfection#

Perfect relationships do not exist, but happy relationships do.

Accept the other person's small flaws:
Occasional forgetfulness.
Certain habits.
Personality traits.
Ways of handling things.
Understand one truth:
No one is perfect.
Differences create uniqueness.
Imperfection is real.
Tolerance creates harmony.

2. Provide Space for Growth#

Love is about support, not restriction.

✅ This is how it should be:

Support the other person's interests and hobbies.
Understand their career choices.
Respect their social circles.
Give them space for independent thought.

🔴 Avoid this:

Overly intervening in their life.
Forcing them to change their habits.
Restricting their social interactions.
Expecting them to comply with everything.

⭐️ Specific Action Guidelines#

1. Acceptance in Daily Interactions#

Start with small things and reflect it in details.

✅ Do this:

"If you like it, that's great; I support you."
"That's your choice; I understand."
"Let me know if you need help."
"It's good that you have your own thoughts."

🔴 Avoid saying:

"Why do you always do this..."
"When will you change..."
"You must listen to me..."
"If only you could be like so-and-so..."

2. Attitude When Facing Differences#

Differences don't mean wrong; understanding is better than changing.

✅ Constructive Responses:

"We have different ideas; that's normal."
"Let me try to understand your viewpoint."
"Maybe we can both hold our opinions."
"What's important is mutual respect."

❗️ Special Reminders#

1. Boundaries of Acceptance#

It doesn't mean condoning harmful behavior.
It doesn't mean tolerating principle issues.
It doesn't mean ignoring important differences.
It doesn't mean sacrificing self-worth.

2. Situations to Watch Out For#

One-sided giving.
Excessive tolerance.
Principle-based concessions.
Conflicts in values.

🎯 Final Thoughts#

Stable relationships are not about how passionately you love but about how much you hurt each other.

True love is about letting the other person be themselves, not transforming them into what you want.

Every act of tolerance adds points to the relationship. Every act of acceptance warms the bond.

(Oh, I should probably go play games with my partner... even though I don't quite understand, it still looks fun~)

PS: For those currently in a relationship:

Love is not about changing the other person.
It's about appreciating differences.
Embracing imperfections.
Granting freedom.
Trusting time.