Difficult to be single, a reference for dating

Bringing practical and interesting love enlightenment guides. Many "single nobles" go to great lengths to escape singlehood and find a partner. Generally speaking, there are two main approaches: one is called "pursuing," and the other is called "trapping."

What does "pursuing" mean? It means that boys think they should relentlessly chase girls with sweet talk, treating them to dinner today and buying a nice lipstick tomorrow. As for how girls should interact with boys, it involves being gentle and sweet, filling the room with romance, cooking for him, and caring about his career. Indeed, these scenarios can create small joys in happiness, but love is not instant noodles; you can't succeed just by pursuing. Today's love is not about going to the West to seek scriptures; sincerity alone won't break the stone.

As for "trapping," it leads to another extreme, like the popular dating strategies today—either pretending, how to flirt, how to play hard to get, or how to lure someone into a trap. Love loses its foundation of sincerity and instead becomes a struggle between pushing and pulling. Genuine feelings are scarce, while manipulative tactics abound.

In fact, both concepts are incorrect; one is flawed in clinging to the past, while the other is misguided in values.

A truly reliable and serious relationship often combines three elements: genuine feelings, commitment, and a sense of responsibility, along with high-quality communication.

The girl is sincere, with no bad habits, her family is financially stable, and the young man is particularly ambitious; one could say she is the kind of daughter-in-law any grandmother would approve of. However, my friend is too "dull," only focusing on being good to the girl without much communication or expression.

He firmly believes that "actions speak louder than words; no matter how pretty the words are, they are useless. If I treat you this well, you should cherish me as long as you're not foolish." But the girl doesn't think so—she's a living person, not a smart speaker; how will they live together in the future? Where will their common language come from? Life is not just about basic necessities; humans are social animals, and emotions and communication are essential needs. My friend has the conditions to conquer his mother-in-law but lacks the ability to win over his girlfriend—how regrettable!

So you see, this third point, "high-quality communication," is both a scarce resource for those wanting to date today and an efficient tool that can be used directly. This is also the main content of our series of courses.

Some may say, isn't this just commonly known as PUA?

I think not; the core of PUA lies in control, leading to a full sense of manipulation, and even having ethical flaws, which is why PUA is often criticized. In contrast, the essence of high-quality communication is to allow both parties to comfortably and efficiently reach a consensus about their relationship.

Through communication, you can quickly identify your romantic options, better showcase your dating advantages, lead both parties into a happy chatting mode, and even quickly find a sense of mutual understanding. Throughout the process, you are both sincere and happy, giving love a healthy start. Of course, you may encounter situations where you realize you don't like each other that much, and the other party seems genuinely uninterested—then just don't date; everyone is an adult, so why waste time? To put it another way, this also saves time costs, opportunity costs, and potential sunk costs, which is a good thing.

How to happily and efficiently find your own romance? This is the problem we aim to solve with eighteen lessons. After looking at the syllabus, you'll find that from identifying potential candidates to finally breaking the ice with a confession, the methods involve many things, but the core idea is quite fixed: it's about the management of relationships, teaching you how to manage the initial stage of love.

The first type of issue is self-awareness. Before engaging in a relationship, it's necessary to recognize oneself. This has two meanings: one is the intelligence aspect of "know yourself and know your enemy, and you will never be defeated," and the other is the preparedness aspect of "to forge iron, one must be strong." Before diving into love, we must first understand our strengths, weaknesses, where we need to adjust, and where we need to show more.

The second type of issue is how to identify reliable romantic partners in the vast sea of people. With nearly 1.4 billion people in China, even if we split it in half, there are still 700 million men and 700 million women. Finding a lover among such a large potential crowd, don't expect to find "the most suitable other half" right away; avoiding bad apples is already not easy. Cultivating the ability to spot reliable partners is also a core competency.

The third type of issue is how to cultivate feelings with that special someone through harmonious communication. The problem of "awkward small talk" is becoming increasingly common, and even "having a good conversation" has become a rare skill. You may have encountered situations where two seemingly suitable people chat but end up with nothing to say. The spark of love is precious, and maintaining that spark requires care. Fire needs fuel and oxygen; love requires emotional depth and communication skills.

As for the fourth type of issue, it's about how to make the final push and successfully confess—although this year is celebrated as Singles' Day, next year it will be Valentine's Day. The last stretch is crucial to whether you can achieve a successful outcome. Confessing is akin to a graduation defense, a final job interview, or the third driving test; it may be brief, but it deserves attention.

When combined, these issues essentially address one thing: how to properly manage the budding of your love.

Good love, like a good business, relies on "management." Starting a relationship from scratch is not much different from starting a business from nothing—what does management rely on?

Management relies on capital. Investment of time, money, emotions, and energy are all forms of capital. My course is designed to help you manage these capitals well.

So what cards do you hold? There are four types.

The first type of capital is called external capital of the individual. Your education, appearance, income, etc., all fall into this category.

The second type of capital is called internal capital of the individual. What is your temperament? What is your aesthetic taste? Are your values quirky? These are all second-type capitals.

At the same time, dating is a two-person affair; one cannot date alone, so the other two types of capital involve "interaction." The third type of capital is called external capital of the partner, referring to the shared experiences between you and them.

The fourth type of capital is the internal capital of the partner, referring to whether you have matching values, whether there is a foundation for "mutual understanding," and whether there is similarity and familiarity cultivated through long-term interaction.

The methodology for operating these four types of capital is the main body of our entire course.

Many people struggle to understand love; it's either because they feel there is no one to pursue, or every blind date ends in failure, or they can't cultivate and develop long-term love with others. To put it bluntly, it's all about poor capital management. They don't realize that besides the first type of hard capital, there are three other types of soft capital that need to be managed.

Finally, let me ramble on for a moment. While organizing and preparing the course content, I have always adhered to this value: what you need is a reliable partner, not a great love. Here, great love refers to the kind of passionate and romantic love depicted in novels and TV dramas. But you must understand that if you date like they do in dramas, you'll either scare the other person away or drive yourself crazy. So, what should people do today to achieve beautiful love?

I think it still relies on playing the cards in your hand well. Some people can play well even with bad cards, while others have great cards but play poorly. For many people who urgently want to get out of singlehood, the ability to play with capital is actually more important than how much capital you have. I hope this perspective can resonate with you.

Let's start the journey to find love!

The Key to Making Women Fall for You: Trust#

When women are looking for partners, what is the first thing they care about? Six-pack abs? Six-figure bank accounts? A tall, handsome prince? None of these. What they find most important is trust. That's right, trust. Before you start to consider yourself a trustworthy partner and want to put this book down, please think twice. Whether someone is trustworthy has nothing to do with whether you are a playboy, whether you are in a long-term relationship, or whether you have been unfaithful. While these factors are important for trustworthiness, they are far from sufficient.

In the process of dating, behaviors that make women feel you are trustworthy include: keeping your promises, being consistent inside and out, being reliable, having a sense of responsibility, and being able to honestly present yourself. Of course, on the outside, you should still dress neatly and cleanly. Why is trust so important? Why is trust the key to making every woman fall for you? From an evolutionary perspective, whether a male partner is trustworthy actually determines whether a woman and her children can grow up safely and healthily.

Common Complaints from Women#

In the Love Lab, we discovered two common complaints women have about men. The first complaint is: "He never helps me in a timely manner when I have difficulties or needs." The second complaint is: "We are not close enough; we haven't established a strong enough connection." Even if these women are in a relationship, they can still feel very lonely. There are many other related complaints. If a man cannot provide help and support when a woman is in need, she cannot trust him. Most of the time, this help and support is emotional. Women hope men can listen, understand, and protect their hearts.

Conversely, men also have two common complaints about women: "We argue too much and have too little sex." Does this sound familiar? Men can also feel lonely in a romantic relationship. We found that men also desire more intimacy. However, they only feel close when there are fewer arguments and more sex.

On the surface, the complaints of men and women seem different. In reality, these complaints are interconnected and can be resolved through a simple technique called emotional coordination. When the emotions of men and women are coordinated, arguments decrease, quality sex becomes more frequent, and both parties no longer feel lonely. Emotional coordination can also help both parties establish a genuine emotional connection and improve trust levels between them. In this way, the first requirement women have for men, which is trustworthiness, is met. In summary, emotional coordination is a remarkable technique.

In the Love Lab, we asked both men and women whether they could confide in their partners when they felt sad, angry, or had emotional needs. We found that many arguments between partners occur because men tend to eliminate emotions rather than coordinate them. If a man tries to fix a woman's emotions, distract her, or downplay her feelings, or even mocks or ignores her words, he is eliminating emotions. Learning some simple and basic emotional coordination techniques can significantly improve relationships between the sexes. These techniques can also help improve men's work relationships, parent-child relationships, and other interpersonal relationships. We found that men who master emotional coordination techniques ultimately get what they want: fewer arguments and more sex.

Emotional Coordination Warms Up Trust#

Why are emotional coordination techniques helpful in improving partner relationships? Women hope that when they are in need, men can provide support. Women need men to always be interested in them and able to care for them. Women need to feel respected by men, hope that men can listen to their needs, and establish a genuine emotional connection between them. You may think all of this is just cliché or nonsense. Before you think that way, let's look at a logical formula:

The most valued trait by women is trustworthiness.
Trust is built through emotional connections.
Emotional connections are achieved through emotional coordination.
Therefore, emotional coordination means trust.

So now the question is, where can we buy a jar of emotional coordination elixir? Unfortunately, you can't buy it. But you can learn it yourself. Emotional coordination is not rocket science; it is not complicated. Emotional coordination can be represented by a set of acronyms: A-TT-U-N-E.

Attention (ATTEND). When women need men, please give them your absolute attention. This means that when a woman wants to talk to you, turn off your game, put down your phone, and show through your actions that you care about her. You should care about what she says, even if it seems trivial to you. Because it is very important to her, and it signifies that both parties are building an emotional connection. If you are on a date, focus all your attention on the woman in front of you. Don't look around, don't check out other women, and don't text your buddies while eating. Attention represents your feelings. Attention is your way of expressing love.

Turn Toward (TURN TOWARD). The turning toward here is not a metaphor or a trendy term. We want you to turn your body toward your partner because, in a woman's mind, intimacy means eye contact. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist from Rutgers University, believes: "In a man's mind, intimacy means working or playing side by side. This form of intimacy may date back to prehistoric times. Imagine our male ancestors hiding behind bushes, quietly watching from a distance, ready to hunt a buffalo. Although they faced the enemy together, they fought shoulder to shoulder rather than face to face." So men should remember that unless you and your woman are preparing to hunt buffalo together, please face her when you talk.

Understand (UNDERSTAND). No matter what a woman says, a man's job is always to understand. How to understand? Ask more questions. If a woman complains about her friend, don't rush to provide a solution, don't try to distract her, don't joke, don't think you can solve the problem, and don't try to downplay the impact of the issue. You should ask her how she feels at that moment and what this means to her. This not only shows that you can understand her but also indicates that you have a genuine interest in her life and are doing your best to understand what is important to her. When she complains about her mother or boss, or even gets angry with you, always remember that your primary task is to understand.

Non-defensive Listening (NONDEFENSIVELY LISTEN). If you can do the previous points—paying attention, turning your body toward her, and fully understanding her—then you have already grasped the basics of non-defensive listening. It is especially important to use non-defensive listening techniques appropriately when a woman criticizes you. Do not react to her words. No one likes to be criticized; it feels like an attack. But it is worth noting that if you argue or defend yourself, she will criticize you even more. Do not interrupt her conversation. Don't forget that any feelings you have are real to her. Whether you agree with her views and actions or not, at that moment, her feelings are real. You just need to listen carefully to her feelings. Why do you have two ears but only one mouth? Because you should spend twice as much time listening as you do expressing your opinions. Smart men follow these rules. Our observations in the Love Lab also confirm that listening is very important. Only those men who can suppress their anger and do not react excessively can achieve better partner relationships.

If you want to be with a woman for the long haul, you need to let her truly understand you and provide her with a sense of security. Emotional security, like emotional connection, can be established through emotional coordination techniques. When she tries to attract your attention, she is expressing an emotional need. If you respond to her needs, she can gain emotional security from you and increase her trust in you. If you don't let her express her emotions, ignore her, or fail to resonate with her emotionally when she is upset, then she will not feel secure emotionally, and thus she won't feel safe being with you.

In addition to emotional security, women also need physical security. Everyone learned not to hit people in kindergarten. In fact, apart from physical attacks, there are some less obvious ways of interacting that can make women feel physically unsafe. Men are usually taller than women, and their voices are deeper and louder. If you emphasize yourself with your voice or size, or intimidate her, even if unintentionally, women will feel uneasy. In this way, she cannot fully trust you. Even if you resonate with her emotionally around the clock, as long as you dominate your behavior with brute force, you will never establish trust and can never become a good man.

That's right, we need to talk about women's menstrual cycles. Understanding women's menstrual cycles and hormonal secretion patterns will help you understand what triggers women's emotional "switches." Three hormones determine a woman's physiological and psychological activities each day: estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. These three hormones determine a woman's activity level, value orientation, and needs, as well as what she wants, when she wants it, and even who she wants to be with. You read that right; one of them is indeed testosterone. Although testosterone is often referred to as a male hormone, it is equally important for women.

In the first two weeks of the menstrual cycle, estrogen levels gradually rise, and women become friendlier, more talkative, more relaxed, and calmer, but they can also become more emotionally sensitive. In the latter two weeks of the menstrual cycle, progesterone levels gradually rise, and women become more irritable, more stressed, less calm, and more inclined to want solitude. During this period, women also become more introspective and creative. This is the basic pattern of the female menstrual cycle. However, this basic pattern can vary from person to person. As women age, this pattern changes as they gradually experience menopause.

Most women experience menopause in their forties to fifties, during which they become more irritable and prone to insomnia. A good man will help his partner navigate menopause smoothly, ensuring she sleeps better. A good man will not hold her emotional fluctuations against her. Women's needs and emotions change with their menstrual cycles. This change can be minor for some women and very pronounced for others. During ovulation, women become more emotional and have a stronger sexual desire. In the week before menstruation, progesterone levels drop, and they are more likely to become emotionally sensitive, irritable, stressed, or melancholic. This is what we commonly refer to as premenstrual syndrome (PMS). PMS can last for a day or even two weeks. Symptoms of PMS range from mild to severe anxiety and depression. It can also lead to physical discomfort for women, including headaches, back pain, cramps, bloating, and swelling. Women can take the following measures to alleviate PMS discomfort: exercise, reduce caffeine intake, take B vitamins or herbs, and, if necessary, follow a doctor's advice to take progesterone to completely treat depressive symptoms.

Physiological rhythm. Understanding how hormones affect women's daily emotions and recognizing that each woman is affected differently. Additionally, the impact of hormones changes with a woman's age, and a woman's hormonal cycle affects her sexual desire and needs for you.
Fear. Women experience fear differently than men; they are more likely to have a conditioned response to fear. When men and women experience a terrifying event together, women are twice as likely to develop a conditioned response to it. When women feel fear, providing immediate comfort can quickly alleviate their fear. Of course, the premise is that she feels happy being with you. If your relationship is not that good, your comfort will not be effective.

Women are attracted to men's higher social status and confidence. You should continuously optimize yourself, showcase your best side, and emit enough non-verbal signals to demonstrate your social dominance, such as occupying the largest social space, touching among peers, being relaxed, making direct eye contact with women, and smiling. Avoid nervousness and inappropriate postures, such as crossing your arms or sitting with your legs crossed.

When a man tries to approach a woman, she actually occupies the dominant position. She will emit some non-verbal signals. You need to recognize the signals that indicate she is interested in you:

She repeatedly looks at you but then quickly averts her gaze.
When talking to you, her body leans toward you.
The direction of her legs, feet, or shoulders is toward you.
She keeps playing with her hair.
She fiddles with her jewelry, like earrings, or lightly taps the stem of her glass.

Dating is also a continuous dialogue and a process of getting to know each other.

During a date, you can ask her about her interests, passions, life dreams, and wish lists. You can also talk about where she has traveled and what she enjoys doing. You can ask her about her good friends, discuss their shared hobbies, and why she likes her friends. You can also talk about her family or her pets. You can ask her where she went to school and then follow up with open-ended questions about what she was most interested in while studying. But remember, there is a clear distinction between conversation and interrogation, so you should sincerely listen to her answers rather than firing off questions like in an interview. Besides body language, a clean and tidy appearance is also important, and gentlemanly behavior is paramount. Opening doors for her, walking on the side of the street closest to traffic, and matching her pace all demonstrate your ability to protect her. You should constantly think about how a good man would act, increasing your chances of getting a second date.

So, you need to be able to protect her, act like a gentleman, and more importantly, be yourself. You should be ready to show her your passions, interests, and life dreams. But please note, you should first talk about your friends, tell her what your friends are like, discuss where you have traveled, and share any happy or unhappy experiences. Women are different from men; they tend to cooperate rather than compete. If you have a differing opinion, don't directly say, "You're wrong." You can say, "That's interesting. Please tell me more." You should listen to her thoughts and show genuine interest, then you can say, "Okay, my point is..." But remember not to emphasize your differences by belittling her values.

Don't talk about your ex-girlfriend, and don't try to tell a story that portrays yourself as a victim. You should talk about yourself, discuss what you want to do in your future life. Never make the fatal mistake that some men do by asking women how they feel about the first date or whether they like you. Doing so reveals your lack of confidence and security. Just listen carefully, and you'll know the answers to these questions. Insecurity is the deadly killer of attraction; nothing can turn you from lovers into friends faster than a lack of security.

Ask open-ended questions.
Show your true self, but if your voice is naturally high-pitched, please speak in a deeper tone.
Listen attentively and create a sense of security through conversation.
Place the woman at the center of the conversation or date.
Look into her eyes and casually mimic her posture.
When you try to ask her to dance, request her phone number, or invite her out, you can lightly touch her forearm.
Be creative on the first date. Plan some adventurous, fun, or exciting activities.
Be a gentleman, such as opening doors or pulling out chairs for her.
Be confident and show an attitude that you can protect her.

Understand the hints. You can tell whether a woman is willing to be kissed by you. When she is interested, most of her attention will be on your eyes and lips. She may lick her lips or gently bite her lower lip. You should look into her eyes and at her lips, observing whether she is smiling. She will not initiate the kiss; remember that no romantic novel cover depicts a woman actively kissing a man, but she will give you hints and let you kiss her.

Take it slow. When you kiss her, don't rush to kiss her face. She will remember every detail of your first kiss for a long time. You wouldn't want to be remembered as a wild dog hanging on her face. Slowly bring your face closer to hers and see if her body leans back or stays in place. If she moves away, you may have misinterpreted her signals. If she stays still or leans slightly forward, that's the right moment to kiss her.

Build anticipation. Lightly touch her face; stroke her hair; bring your lips closer to hers, pausing for a moment to let her feel your breath. Remember to maintain oral hygiene. You should gradually build attraction between you, allowing both parties' desires to naturally grow until your lips touch. When people anticipate something wonderful, they release dopamine, which further enhances the pleasure of the subsequent kiss. Your ultimate goal is to make her want to kiss you more than she wants to breathe.

Kissing. Slowly touch your lips to hers, then gently pause. Feel the moment. Don't rush to stick your tongue in her mouth. This is kissing, not sexual harassment. Increase the pressure of your lips until she responds, then take it further. If she opens her mouth, gently extend your tongue inside. Male saliva contains testosterone, which can enhance a woman's sexual desire. This doesn't mean you should drench her mouth with saliva; that won't help her sexual desire. Similarly, don't think that getting saliva all over her mouth will enhance her sexual desire. A little moisture is just right; don't kiss her like a Saint Bernard. Stay fresh; drooling is not sexy.

Trust your instincts. Kissing is like dancing; every couple's dance is unique. You lead first, let her follow, and then let her take the lead. If she pulls back, stop kissing. If your instincts tell you her nerve endings are excited, then continue kissing her. Long kisses are wonderful.

Gentle touches. Kissing starts with the lips, but hands and arms can enhance the power of the kiss. Stroke her face and hair, and wrap your arms around her neck. Your hands can move freely, but let them rest gently on her sides. Make her feel safe in your embrace. During the first kiss, it's best not to try to touch her breasts.

Now your pheromones are ready, and your kiss has her enchanted, as if she sees a rainbow after the rain and dancing unicorns. What should you do next? Movies would suggest (of course, depending on the level of the film) that the screen should fade out, and you should naturally take off your clothes and make wild, passionate love.

We can't tell you what to do next. Well, actually, we can, and we will. Before we discuss those things, we need to pause. After kissing, whether you have a one-night stand or a serious relationship is ultimately up to you both. However, before telling you how to be a great lover, let's first teach you how to determine whether a woman is likely to enter a long-term monogamous relationship with you or have a serious date. When you are surrounded by oxytocin, you are less likely to engage those organs capable of long-term thinking. Therefore, you need to stay clear-headed. It might be your kiss that drives her crazy, or she might actually be completely insane. In the next chapter, we will help you distinguish between these two situations.

Pheromones are chemical substances that create attraction, making certain people smell just right for you.
Women's sense of smell is more sensitive than men's. Your pheromones may be attractive to some women but not to others. This is not personal.
You can control other body odors besides pheromones. Therefore, please maintain personal hygiene.
A bad first kiss can ruin your relationship.
Women remember their first kiss more than any other significant event in their lives. Ensure your first kiss leaves a good impression on her.
Kissing releases a lot of hormones that make you feel good.
You can learn how to make your first kiss more wonderful.

How to understand the most authentic her?
Observe how your partner treats her pets, friends, and family, and you will get a rough idea of how she will treat you. Step back and try to observe her as objectively as possible. Is she kind? Does she respect others? Is she patient? Does she have passion? Does she think of others, or is she self-centered? Understanding her true self means understanding her heart, her thoughts, and her body. Do you trust her? Do you feel relaxed when interacting with her? Do you often laugh heartily together? Can you understand her sense of humor? Can she understand yours? If you don't know her well enough to answer these questions or can't understand her, your future development with her will be difficult.

Mind. You should carefully observe whether she is a kind person or someone who often complains about her family and friends. When negative events occur, does she blame others? When misunderstandings arise with friends and family, does she take responsibility? Is she honest in other relationships? Or does she often lie and make excuses? Is she loyal? Can she keep secrets? Will she gossip immediately after family and friends confide in her?

Remember, people are hard to change. If she cannot cherish the trust and loyalty of those close to her, she will treat you the same way. Is she open-minded or conservative? Is she responsible? Can she keep her promises and follow through? Is she good at communicating and negotiating, or does she anger others and create conflict? Is she easily neurotic? Neuroticism refers to two cognitive states: (1) she always focuses on the negative aspects of things, believing that any new situation will be a disaster; (2) she endlessly ruminates on every little negative thing.

Thoughts. Is she consistent in her words and actions? Does she follow through on what she says? Does she trust you or doubt you? Or does she superficially say she trusts you while secretly checking your phone or repeatedly asking where you've been? Can she accept your friends, or does she always find faults in every friend? Does she secretly rummage through your drawers, check your emails, or interrogate you about every female friend on social media? Does she endlessly text you, unable to wait for a reply? If you are not a playboy worthy of her suspicion, then these behaviors are significant red flags.

Body. Is there sexual chemistry between you? If there can be some intellectual exchange or interesting conversation between the two of you, that would feel great. However, if there is no mutual attraction from the start, even if you debate fiercely for 200 rounds, there will be no magical spark between you.

Here we need to mention the previous point about infatuation again. Infatuation is highly selective; not everyone you meet will release those feel-good hormones toward you, nor will you release those hormones toward every girl you meet. If you fail to create that hormonal mutual attraction when you first meet, it will be difficult to cultivate it later.

Human biology is incredibly powerful and uncontrollable. So save your effort. You can pretend that you are very compatible, and she can pretend too. But deep down, you know whether there is chemistry between you. A one-night stand can accompany you through lonely nights, but as long as you are not passionately attracted to each other, she will ultimately not satisfy your deeper needs. A good partner relationship is a high degree of unity of body, mind, and spirit. Only foolish men would compromise to achieve one or two of these goals.

When your brain is not overly influenced by oxytocin, you should ask yourself some questions. Certain personality traits or personality disorders can make your life very miserable and painful. You surely know the expression, "Don't let it drive you crazy." This is a crossword puzzle about your love life. You can fill in any bodily organ name you think is appropriate in the blank. People always have many suggestions for a happy life. The first one is: "Choose your life partner carefully. Your partner relationship determines 90% of whether your life is joyful or sad." This is not an exaggeration. You should always be alert to the following personality traits.

The damsel in distress. Does she often present herself as a victim? Does she endlessly complain about the negative relationships she has experienced? Has she ever said that friends have betrayed her or that her ex-boyfriend was unfaithful, breaking her heart? Does she always simply categorize people into two types: good or bad?

Be cautious. In her eyes, at first, you may seem like a genuinely good person who saves her from a tragic fate, but ultimately, you may also be categorized as a bad person. Does she constantly ramble about her physical ailments, personal traumas, or family tragedies? In a relationship, you will always share some personal life experiences to strengthen your understanding of each other, and many of her shared experiences are filled with sad memories. But the question is, is her personality formed on the basis of trauma? Has she learned from past mistakes, heartbreaks, and traumas, or is she still reveling in her victim role? If she feels that everyone in her life has broken her heart, then you are likely to be the next person to hurt her.

Princess syndrome. Does she display a strong sense of superiority? Is she unable to treat others well, such as waiters, workers, or strangers, because these people's social status, class, and value are lower than hers? If the answer is yes, then you have encountered a girl with princess syndrome.

When you open the door for her or pull out her chair, a princess will never say "thank you." They always feel that such treatment is a given and often demand that you spend a lot of money to show your care for them. Girls with princess syndrome often have unrealistic expectations of you. In their eyes, you may initially seem like a prince, but as time passes, you will ultimately be seen as no different from other "inferior" people. They lack empathy and do not understand basic etiquette; they are willing to belittle others to feel good about themselves. A satirical cartoon published in The New York Times depicted a princess angrily shouting at a waiter, "Do you know who I think I am?"

Competitor. Does she overly emphasize her success? Does she brag about her various achievements and trophies while showing no interest in you? Whether with you or others, does she always need to be on top?

Competitors are competitive about everything and often feel resentful. She will flirt with others to make you jealous, so you know how lucky you are to be with her. Her happiness is built on the mistakes of others. She wants to control everyone, including herself. She may also be a perfectionist. Such women will have very strict dietary habits and find it difficult to truly enjoy pleasure. Competitors have no sense of humor.

Drama queen. Is her life full of drama and chaos? Does she always have one problem after another and expect you to solve all of them? Does she face crises every day? Most people want a partner, not a problem that needs to be solved. Yet some men are involuntarily attracted to drama queens, getting caught up in the whirlpool of chaos they create. Her gas is cut off, she's locked out, she has unresolved issues with her ex-boyfriend, or her friendships are a mess. She may also have issues with drug or alcohol abuse. She might drink two or three drinks in one night. If her pupils become too dilated or constricted, it could be a result of drug abuse. She may refuse to eat anything. Without alcohol and parties, she might not be able to enjoy a pleasant time. Drama queens will bring you a lot of trouble, and ultimately, you will be unable to solve it. If she doesn't change at all, can you accept her as she is?

These personality traits are just examples and do not exhaust all cases. However, when you decide to embark on a long-term relationship, your basic principle is to avoid these women as much as possible. While some personality traits indicate more severe personality disorders, the distinction between an ordinary damsel in distress and borderline personality disorder is still clear, as is the difference between princess syndrome and narcissistic personality disorder, and between drama queens and those with genuine substance abuse issues.

When deciding whether to date this woman, the most important question is: how does she make you feel when you are with her? Can you easily laugh heartily together, feeling like you are at home? Do you feel energized and joyful? Can you chat endlessly with her and communicate smoothly? Do you share the same values? Are you willing to understand her in every aspect and take her to meet your family and friends? Does she make you feel better about yourself? Can she successfully inspire your inner excellence?

If your body, mind, and spirit align well with hers, then your relationship will not just be a one-night stand.

Oxytocin can blur your judgment and weaken your fear response. When you climax and feel joy, you release oxytocin, which can promote bonding between both parties. Therefore, the term "platonic sex" is inherently contradictory.
Infatuation is the first stage of mutual attraction or love. During this stage, you will think about each other endlessly, have trouble sleeping, be sentimental, and be excited about love. During the infatuation phase, you will be enveloped by a lot of hormones, to the extent that you overlook some warning signals in your interactions.
You may become infatuated with certain people due to hormones or childhood imprints. You should reflect on whether you are always attracted to the same type of woman. Be alert to conscious or subconscious motivations.
If you feel a body, mind, and spirit connection with a woman, then your relationship will not just be a one-night stand.
If there is no chemistry from the start, then there will never be chemistry.

You accompany your partner to buy a dress. After she comes out of the fitting room and stands in front of the mirror, she keeps asking you, "Honey, do I look like I've gained weight? Do you think this dress makes me look fat?" What thoughts will you have? (Be sure to express your true thoughts; multiple selections are allowed.)
A. She asks me the same question every day; why does she care so much about others' opinions? Sigh, I'll just brush it off; anyway, she won't believe me if I say "not fat."
B. If she thinks she's fat, should I comfort her? Finally, I have the chance to suggest she join me at the gym!
C. Does she really like this dress? Should I just say, "Not fat, looks good, buy it!" like they suggest online?
D. She's already this slim and still thinks she's fat? That's too high a standard for herself! Are we still going to eat later? I'm starving!
E. Does it really matter if she's fat or not? Isn't the point whether it looks good? If it looks good, buy it; if not, exchange it; what's there to be conflicted about?

Good men will occasionally compliment the details of a woman's appearance. For example, how beautiful she looks in that colorful dress, or how charming her shoulders are when the light shines on them. Good men will also praise a woman's face under the moonlight, how lovely her smile is. Good men will even compliment a breastfeeding woman or tell a woman how happy she looks when he sees her first thing in the morning, even if she is still sleepy and bare-faced. Good men will tell women how wonderful it is to make love to them and that they love every part of their bodies.

Men hope women can understand these sincere compliments about their bodies. They also hope women can break through the self-doubt imposed on them by society and accept these compliments. They hope women can truly feel every compliment and every touch. Men hope that such actions can counteract the unfair and malicious evaluations of women's bodies by others and reverse the self-doubt women experience when looking in the mirror.

This is not an easy task. Women see 400 to 600 advertisements daily, with 1 in 11 ads directly showing women what the perfect body looks like. By the time a woman reaches 60, she will have seen over 6 million ads telling her what the ideal woman looks like. Guess what? In fact, these digitally altered and unrealistic beauty standards are unattainable for women. Over the past 20 years, the ideal female image has been excessively retouched and photoshopped, making it impossible for women to meet these unrealistic beauty standards. Even the models in the ads are still far from the perfect image they portray. Many studies have proven that the so-called ideal female image has negative effects. The end result is that every time a woman looks in the mirror, she feels pain.

Humor columnist Dave Barry once said that when a woman asks you, "Does this make me look fat?" the only standard answer is to pretend to have a heart attack and then faint. But the problem is, you can't keep performing the heart attack act year after year. A smart man should respond like this: "No matter what you wear, you are very beautiful." This is the only correct answer. Just answer like this; you have no choice. This answer should even be made into law; if you don't answer this way, you should be punished and fined. You must believe us on this answer.

The vast majority of women are taught from a young age that their appearance is their greatest asset and the most essential way to please others and gain love.
Women cannot separate their self-worth from their bodies, so they often define their value by their appearance. Beauty is a survival strategy for women, so they are constantly pressured to maintain their beauty and compare themselves to societal beauty standards.

Overall, both men and women are brainwashed by socially defined beauty standards. These beauty standards have long been promoted by the fashion and entertainment industries. You can certainly tell women every day how beautiful they are, but as long as women find discrepancies between themselves and standardized beauty, they will feel very ugly. If she feels her body is ugly, her self-esteem will suffer. If her self-esteem is low, she will find it difficult to appreciate her body and will not feel happy about your appreciation of her body. This is a vicious cycle.

The problem is that women believe they can increase their strength, perseverance, knowledge, competitiveness, or intelligence, but they cannot "increase" their beauty. They believe they can perfect their resumes but feel powerless to "fix" their bodies. At the same time, the media constantly reminds women that their beauty will fade with age. The societal standards for measuring men are typically power, success, achievements, and their abilities in their respective fields. However, for women, society not only measures these but also their appearance and attire. The successful appearance of men is a standard outfit, namely a suit, tie, and dress shoes; if they care about their appearance, they also need to consider their hairstyle. But the successful appearance of women has millions of standards. What message does a woman wearing pants instead of a skirt convey? What about the color of the clothing—is it too bright? Do the accessories match the occasion? Even if they do, do they look expensive? Will this makeup lead to misunderstandings? How about the hairstyle? Women need to endlessly groom themselves before going out, not because they are vain, but because society constantly reminds them to pay attention to their appearance, and people treat them differently based on their looks. This is not about right or wrong, fairness or unfairness; it is the test women face every day.

Men may think it's funny to joke about the donuts a woman is eating or the size of her thighs, but that is not the case. Every time you say something derogatory about her, you will need to offer hundreds or thousands of compliments to make up for it. Nothing hurts a woman more than comments about her appearance. What you can do is try to understand the long-standing and painful perceptions women have about their personal appearance and tell her that you feel the same way. You need to understand that a huge need for women is to meet societal expectations, which is why they endlessly diet, buy new clothes, over-exercise, look in the mirror, and resort to cosmetic surgery as a means to combat normal aging. A woman's self-esteem heavily relies on her appearance. If she gains even a little weight, she will immediately have an emotional breakdown. The relationship women have with their bodies is very fragile, and there are deep-rooted reasons for this. You just need to know that if she thinks she is ugly, she cannot accept your compliments about her body.

Of course, you cannot reverse the negative messages she has received since birth, but your understanding can help her a lot. You cannot change the unrealistic beauty standards imposed on her by society with your personal power, even the smartest men cannot, but you can make her feel that she is beautiful in your eyes.

Only when you gaze at her wholeheartedly will she feel beautiful. Only when you love her with your eyes, hands, and lips will she feel beautiful.

Women believe that men are always comparing and scrutinizing them, just as they are constantly self-scrutinizing. Your duty is to assure her that no matter what she wears, she is beautiful and charming. As we mentioned at the beginning of this book, men can make or break any relationship, including the relationship between a woman and her own body. You cannot control the fashion industry, but you can understand how men and women are brainwashed by it. You can also look at your partner with loving eyes like an artist, appreciating her unique qualities and body curves. Although Madison Avenue endlessly showcases slender models, being thin does not mean everything. Men want women to be healthy, curvy, and to be themselves.

Psychologist and author Joni Johnston mentioned in her work that when the Black Death swept through Europe and caused the death of one-third of the population, the societal standard for women's beauty was for them to look plump, as if pregnant. Even single women were expected to look "more fertile." A glance at oil paintings from the Renaissance to the Victorian era reveals that women of the past were curvier than women today. This was the original retouching technique. Only now do we photoshop women to be slimmer, while painters of the past chose to depict women as fuller to showcase their sensuality and vitality. It wasn't until the 1920s that the image of the slender woman began to emerge. This was due to the rise of the feminist movement, where women began to subjectively reject traditional female images. Since then, the concept that women should be slender has taken root, leading to various eating disorders and imbalances among young women. Meanwhile, when a society is materially abundant, being slender also signifies strong self-control or symbolizes a pure, ascetic quality, appearing very sacred. Thus, after the Industrial Revolution, with the rise of the middle class and material abundance, slenderness became a trend.

There are many reasons for this dissatisfaction. In a patriarchal society, women have long been considered the property of men. The more beautiful and fertile they appear, the more they can demand high prices from men. Of course, this high price is reflected in the form of dowries. In the past, women only learned how to manage household affairs, and most women could neither read nor write, so their appearance became a symbol of their identity. Women have been influenced by this notion for over 3,000 years, and it has become ingrained in their bones. Once they become aware of their femininity, they begin to compare themselves with other women. They always feel that their appearance is not good enough because they place too much emphasis on their looks.

To be a good lover, the most important point is to make her feel that you adore and love her body, both in and out of bed. As we mentioned earlier, if they cannot feel comfortable in their bodies, they cannot comfortably share their bodies with you. We also want to tell you a little secret: a woman's desire depends on how much she feels needed. You may be the sexiest Mr. Olympia, but as long as she is dissatisfied with her body, she cannot be interested in your sexy body. Making love is not just something that happens in bed. Even before getting into bed, your words, smiles, and glances will influence your sexual relationship. In other words, the most sensitive organ for women is actually their brain. If she feels attractive to you and can sense your passion and investment, then you are already a remarkable lover. You don't even need to use your fingers, tongue, or first penetration to stimulate her.

Now that you understand her brain and spirit, we can immediately discuss how to conquer her body.

Women encounter hundreds of advertisements daily, all telling them what their bodies should look like. Women find it difficult to meet the ideal body standards created by the fashion and entertainment industries, and your responsibility is to tell her that she is already beautiful.
The relationship women have with their bodies is extremely fragile. Even small jokes about her weight, clothing size, or personal charm can deeply hurt her. Good men never criticize women's bodies.
Men can never reverse societal stereotypes about women, which dictate that thinner is more beautiful. However, men can help women feel their beauty.
Compliment her. Let her know how much you love and adore her as she is.
If a woman is dissatisfied with her body or feels that you find her unattractive, she cannot establish a secure emotional connection with you in a sexual relationship.

What are your thoughts on your girlfriend having a male best friend? (Multiple selections allowed)
A. Is she often talking bad about me in front of that guy behind my back?
B. This is absolutely unacceptable; there can be no pure friendship between men and women.
C. It's normal; guys can have female friends too.
D. I feel a sense of crisis; I need to make myself stronger than that guy.
E. It's so unfair; she doesn't allow me to get close to other girls, but she gets so close to guys.
F. They should end this relationship; if she refuses, we should break up.

After dating for a few weeks, both parties start to become familiar and comfortable with each other. At this point, you may suddenly experience a thrilling roller coaster-like experience. This kind of experience is common in any partner relationship because conflicts are inevitable. We discussed earlier that in a relationship, what men want, besides more sex, is fewer arguments. Believe us, more sex and fewer arguments are closely linked. Although people can choose to believe in the so-called "makeup sex," arguments do indeed lower a woman's sexual desire. Men feel the same way. The good news is that you can learn how to reduce arguments and resolve conflicts more quickly. Even better, once you learn this, you can have more sex.

You need to remember that if a woman is angry or feels frustrated, or thinks you are not listening to her, understanding her, or caring about her feelings, then she will not have sex with you. Whether these emotions are caused by you or not, she will not have sex with you. When she is angry or sad, you should neither bully her nor argue with her. You cannot solve her sadness. In this situation, you cannot apply your logical reasoning and negotiation skills, even though these may be useful in the office or on the sports field, and you can communicate rationally with the men you play poker with, but these will not work in front of your woman. If you can accept this in advance, both of you can avoid many headaches.

When conflict arises, what a woman needs is an excellent listener. In the face of conflict, a woman's goal is for her partner, which is you, to better understand her; solving the problem is secondary, while for men, solving the problem is the primary goal. Men tend to use a large-scale strike deterrent strategy when solving problems, much like the U.S. military's invasion of Iraq. This is no different from their ancestors. Primitive men were adept at using large-scale strike deterrent strategies when hunting buffalo, attacking neighboring tribes, or teaching other primitive men who tried to approach their caves and women.

If you want to resolve conflicts with your woman, this deterrent strategy is probably not useful.

Triggers of Women's Anger#

Conflicts occur without rhythm and don't even need a reason. Psychologist Paul Ekman believes that conflicts are "regrettable events." These events are unavoidable in all partner relationships. Even if you are the happiest couple in the world, conflicts will still occur.

Most of the time, how do these regrettable events happen? Are conflicts about family? Or about sex? Research shows that most conflicts arise without specific reasons. Yes, most conflicts occur without any particular cause.

Conflicts will always happen, even if your relationship is perfect.
Men and women get angry at the same frequency, but they handle anger differently.
Women get angry for three reasons: powerlessness, injustice, or others' irresponsibility.
When conflicts arise, men are more likely to be in a state of physiological arousal than women. This makes it harder for men to resolve conflicts with humor, empathy, or understanding.
Men are evolutionarily endowed with the following traits: high alertness, aggressiveness, and a tendency to retaliate when provoked.
You can suppress anger in three ways: deep breathing, counting to ten, and taking a break to relax.
If your partner criticizes you, she is actually in a lot of pain. Your task is to find the root of her pain by asking these three questions: What are your needs? What are you worried about? How do you feel?

Why Does Buying a Pair of Shoes Take So Long? Understanding the Evolutionary Importance of Shopping#

Shopping is a common cause of conflict between men and women. However, shopping is an important biological trait that women have evolved. You cannot change it, nor do you need to be frustrated by it. However, if you can understand the meaning behind women's shopping behavior, you may avoid conflicts arising from shopping. Remember, your goal is harmony, and harmony comes from your insight into female traits, and you need to coordinate your emotions with them.

Humans originally survived in caves and tribes. At that time, women were responsible for gathering food. However, they could not predict what they would gather that day. In many primitive tribes, members relied on women to go outside to gather food and nurture infants. Women could gather wood, berries, nuts, root vegetables, tea leaves, and medicinal herbs. Gathering activities would last all day. Women would continuously gather, searching everywhere, hoping to collect as much as possible.

Women in 8,000 B.C. faced immense pressure because gathering required extensive knowledge. Women needed to support a crucial part of the hunting-gathering production relationship, which was gathering. Gathering activities required the help of other women; they did not like to act alone. They would go out every day but could not foresee what they would bring home. They only knew they had to gather many useful things that were edible and non-toxic. The entire tribe relied on women to complete this daunting task. Gathering also required strong memory and attention to detail, which explains why women tend to have better memories than men.

What does all this have to do with women's love for shopping? From an evolutionary perspective, natural selection favored women with strong memory and gathering abilities. We are all descendants of these women. The first women on Earth had to bravely face the wilderness while searching for wood, food, drinking water, and medicine. They also had to find various items to adorn themselves, decorate their homes, and sew warm clothing. The healthy development of the tribe depended on women's gathering skills, memory, and creativity. Women made tribal life better. Men hunted, and women gathered. Both parties had to excel at their work for everyone to survive together.

Humans no longer live in caves. However, even today, when women go shopping, it seems they still carry the basket used for gathering and the creativity and memory that evolved for it. This way, they can bring back food, drinking water, medicine, and various necessities to adorn themselves, their families, and their tribes.

This "caring and assisting" approach of women can make shopping take a long time. However, this is also a point that attracts men, as women have a unique ability to build relationships with others. Even during shopping, women can establish this connection. These gender differences lead to men spending relatively less time shopping, and this time difference can frustrate many men.

The Meaning of Women's Shopping#

A woman's identity is forever determined by her clothing and appearance. A woman's identity recognition, or her prejudice against appearance, is not a fantasy created in her brain, nor is it entirely invented by the fashion industry on New York's Madison Avenue.

The main purpose of women's shopping is to buy clothes, cosmetics, and jewelry. All of this is related to appearance. The competition among women regarding appearance is similar to the competition among men in work or sports. Women feel they need to constantly prove themselves because they subconsciously believe that if they do not look good, they cannot gain men's love and commitment. They may not even realize that they have long been worried about their ability to spread and reproduce their genes. Therefore, for women, shopping is both a personal need and a need to spread their genes. If she spends more time choosing clothes, it is because what she wears is a matter of life and death for her.

Shopping is rooted in women's genes. Since ancient times, women have needed to be good gatherers for survival.
Most (but not all) women enjoy shopping. Shopping is a way to showcase their creativity and proactivity, and it is also a social experience.
Women are responsible for 85% of purchasing decisions in a household.
Shopping requires keen memory. Women's memories are better than men's.
Men shop in a way similar to how their ancestors hunted. They approach the prey, strike decisively, and then leave with the catch. Women, on the other hand, establish connections with others and build interpersonal relationships through shopping.
If you hate shopping, then don't go.
Research shows that a woman's fashion sense is a long-term indicator of marital success.
If she takes a long time to buy shoes, especially high heels, don't complain. You should trust us on this point.

Understanding Women and Their Friendships with Best Friends#

If you establish a serious partner relationship with a woman, you will also build a similar relationship with her friends. Pray that they like you. Because if they don't like you, your days will not be easy. Undoubtedly, women are particularly good at managing these intimate friendships, while most men have little experience with this. Men certainly have friends, even very close friends, but men's friendships rarely involve women. Men do not whisper secrets to each other, do not cuddle intimately, and do not walk hand in hand down the street. Although they may do so in many places, men do not refer to their close friends as "baby" or "sweetheart." While men may hug their friends, generally speaking, they do not express affection through intimate gestures as women do. Although not all women have such intimate interactions with friends, overall, female friendships are more likely to follow this pattern. We must admit that sometimes even the most magnanimous men may feel a bit jealous of the relationship between their partner and her best friend. To be more candid, men may even feel a little threatened.

Another purpose of female primates forming close groups is to help defend against threats from large carnivores and other male primates, thus ensuring survival. Therefore, female primates spend a lot of time grooming each other, reinforcing social networks, and ensuring safety. In primates, the number of times a female individual is groomed by other females indicates her social status and can predict her likelihood of being attacked by large carnivores. The more connections she has with other females, the more help she receives. Although it is unlikely that large carnivores will be present in modern hair salons, women still choose to get their nails and hair done together. While we cannot directly compare this behavior to the grooming behavior of primates, the underlying principle is quite similar. Women help and connect with each other; even if this does not directly aid their physiological survival, it is still necessary for their psychological well-being.

Compared to men, social connections among women are tighter.
Women have their own social groups to ensure their survival and that of their offspring.
The "caring and assisting" model promotes the secretion of oxytocin and lowers stress levels.
The more friends a woman has, the healthier she is and the longer she will live.
Women without friends are 66% more likely to die early.
Men primarily seek social support from their wives, while women seek social support from their best friends.
Men with tendencies toward domestic violence will attempt to control or limit their partner's social connections.
A partner's best friend is supporting her and also supporting you.
If your partner has few female friends, you should encourage her to expand her social circle.
Women can maintain many friendships and build connections. They have an infinite capacity to love.

Is She Your One and Only? Understanding Women and Commitment#

Men, like women, crave commitment.
Most men know what kind of woman is their true love. This woman must naturally fit you. She smells right, feels right, and looks right.
Love has three stages, each with selectivity. You cannot fall in love with everyone, nor can you adapt to everyone.
The first stage of love, the infatuation phase, lasts several months. During this time, you are not suited to make lifelong decisions.
The second stage of love focuses on trust. You also need to know whether you will be ready to support each other when problems arise.
The third stage of love is loyalty and commitment.
Married men live longer, earn more money, and are healthier than men who choose to cohabit without marrying.
You do not need to have the same preferences as your partner. However, you must be compatible in how you handle conflicts and express feelings and love.
If she makes you feel good about yourself, she may be the right person for you. When you are with her, you feel more energetic, more adventurous, and happier.
Finding the right person and making a commitment requires you to do everything in your power to maintain the relationship.

The "20 Rules of Dating" is a summary used to guide how to interact in a relationship. Although there is no fixed standard and every couple's situation is different, the following rules can serve as a reference:

Sincere Communication: Honesty is the foundation of a good relationship.
Respect Each Other: Respect each other's thoughts, viewpoints, and feelings.
Trust Each Other: Trust is the pillar of a relationship.
Give Each Other Space: Everyone needs independent time and space.
Understanding and Tolerance: Mutual understanding and tolerance for each other's small flaws.
Care for Each Other: Always pay attention to each other's needs and provide care.
Maintain Romance: Even in busy daily life, keep elements of romance.
Zero Tolerance for Violence: Any form of violence, whether verbal or physical, is intolerable.
Support Each Other: Provide support and encouragement during difficult times.
Grow Together: Encourage each other to continue growing in careers and life.
Avoid Over-dependence: Maintain individuality and avoid excessive reliance on each other.
Learn to Compromise: When opinions differ, learn to compromise and yield appropriately.
Avoid Making Promises Lightly: Be cautious with commitments to avoid making promises you cannot keep.
Be Patient: Patience is crucial in relationships; avoid impatience.
Resolve Conflicts: Communicate and resolve issues early rather than avoiding or evading them.
Respect Each Other's Privacy: Do not impose unnecessary pressure or invade personal space.
Avoid Prejudice: Avoid biases based on gender, age, background, etc.
Maintain Individuality: People in love should have their own interests and hobbies and not lose themselves.
Pay Attention to the Quality of Dates: Occasional high-quality dates can deepen feelings.
Cherish Each Other: No matter what difficulties arise, never forget the initial intentions.

These "rules" are designed to help couples establish healthy, balanced relationships, promote mutual growth, and enjoy sweet moments together.